Guest Post: Unpacking the Family Baggage in Caregiving

In the run-up to Kari Berit’s May 8 lecture at the MJCC, “The Unexpected Caregiver: How to Keep Mom and Dad Active, Safe, and Independent” (details), we’ll bring you a series of articles by Kari about caregiving.  

• “The Naked Grandpa”
• “Mom Said What?”
• “For the Love of Giving Care”

Today, “Unpacking the Family Baggage in Caregiving“ by Kari Berit.

Kari Berit

No one can jump on another person like a family member can. It’s raw emotion, full of stale, unresolved baggage. It falls on you like a ton of bricks. When it comes to giving care to an aging parent, why should we believe it will be different? If you’re lucky, you come from a Leave it to Beaver or Brady Bunch family, but reality is, even those TV-land families had issues off set. Sometimes we’re lucky enough to have magic fairy dust sprinkled over families and they get along beautifully during family caregiving…that is a blessing indeed. But what about the families who can’t pull it together, have ups and downs, feel guilt-ridden about their parents’ end of life care?

5 Tips for Families Taking Care of Family

#1: Be aware.

Remember the family baggage? The unresolved issues from the past you’ve neatly swept under the proverbial carpet? Once you start down the road of caring for an aging parent, the carpet takes flight and the baggage is exposed. Siblings don’t magically step up to the plate. Brothers and sisters who fought before, will fight again. Be aware of this. Maybe it’s time to check back in with your therapist? Don’t have one: get one. A caregiver coach can help. You will revisit issues from the past. Stay alert.

#2: Put yourself on the gentle cycle.

Now is the time to get that massage, take a long walk, cuddle with your dog. Take care of yourself. Family caregiving brings a family back together under intense circumstances. You simply must be kind to yourself, which may translate to others as being selfish. Stay true to yourself. Keep your good, best friends on speed dial when you need a quick and supportive message of love.

#3: Walk away.

Hard as it may be, you may have to excuse yourself from the family. Just because someone needs care, doesn’t mean you have to expose yourself to bad behavior by others. This is not easy. But think of the family member who needs the care…they need calm rather than commotion. You may have to make peace with your role in this person’s life in your own way. Explore with a spiritual director, your pastor or best friend just how you can honor your loved one while taking care of yourself.

#4: Mom may not love you best.

Now is not the time to fight to be mom’s number one kid. It’s not personal. If mom trusts the brother you think is incapable of making all her financial decisions, you must let it go. This is not the time to prove to your mother that you’re really better with finances. There are reasons you mother trusts your brother, and that is just how it is. Unless he’s crooked, he’s your mom’s choice.

#5: It doesn’t have to be YOU.

Even though you promised your parents “you wouldn’t put them in a nursing home,” you didn’t promise that you, all by yourself, would take care of them. You may not be the right fit to change Dad’s diapers or feel Mom. Get help. You may have promised you’d care for them, but that is not the same as doing the hands-on-caregiving.

Kari Berit is a radio show host, speaker and the author of “The Unexpected Caregiver: How Boomers Can Keep Mom & Dad Active, Safe and Independent.” Follow her on Facebook!

Guest Post: The Naked Grandpa

In the run-up to Kari Berit’s May 8 lecture at the MJCC, “The Unexpected Caregiver: How to Keep Mom and Dad Active, Safe, and Independent” (details), we’ll bring you a series of articles by Kari about caregiving.  

• “Mom Said What?”
• “For the Love of Giving Care”

Today, “The Naked Grandpa, or When You Must Ask for Help From Professionals“ by Kari Berit.

Kari Berit

I’ll never forget the evening I went to Grandpa’s house and a dozen of us were sitting around the dining room table. Usually, we ate in the living room, where Grandpa lived.

“Why are you all eating in here?” I asked.

“’Cuz Grandpa’s naked,” my brother answered.

“Oh, how long has he been without clothes?”

“Most of the afternoon.”

Taking care of a loved one at home brings challenges and joy. But it naturally disrupts life, especially as the last days approach. It’s not uncommon for people at the end of their lives to want to shed their clothing. Heavier levels of care, increasing dementia and a strong desire to be naked were signs that Grandpa was near the end and needed professional care. As a family, however, nothing had prepared us for this final challenge.

Over those final days at home, family and friends came and went. Some gave help and support to my aunt, who had taken on the primary caregiver role. Others simply visited Grandpa. We never knew who was coming for meals, and it didn’t matter. The welcome sign was up. “You are all family. You’re all welcome here. The freezer is full of food. Eat.”

Some evenings were planned, like the ones where Dad got out the slide projector and embarrassed all of us with those dorky pictures from the 1970’s and 1980’s. We’d point at each other, commenting on the bad haircuts, tube socks with shorts, or stirrup pants with huge oversized shoulder-padded sweaters.

Some nights, I’d get apologetic calls from my aunt at 2 a.m. “He needs a typewriter.” Or, “Where would I find his slide rule?” We’d also get middle-of-the-night calls to help transfer Grandpa to the nearby commode. Occasionally, it required calling my dad for help, just so Grandpa could, as he said, “Go Number Two.”

Eventually, however, we all needed to face up to the simple facts of his last days: We could no longer do for him what he needed done. Thankfully, the Hospice professionals gave us the nudge we needed to look at the strain we were taking on and make an informed decision that would help us take care of ourselves and still be a part of Grandpa’s care.

Just not as the 24-hour care providers.

It was a bittersweet move-in day. Grandpa didn’t want to leave his home and, of course, that made it harder on us. Like many families, we wanted to take care of him until his death. But how do you put your life on hold to become a full-time caregiver? We have to go to work, take care of children and attend church meetings. And many of us aren’t trained—or emotionally prepared—to bathe, change Depends, or handle behavioral outbursts.

When someone enters a nursing home near the end of life, it can be a rough change. Nevertheless, as family caregivers, we have to know when to ask for help. Part of that involves accepting that “the professionals” aren’t perfect. They are, however, professionals. To their credit, they don’t have the emotional triggers we have. They don’t remember Grandpa sitting at the head of the dinner table, spinning fiction into facts, barking out orders, and drinking too much. They don’t remember a man who was larger than life.

What they see, and what pulls at our heartstrings, is an old man, needing the same help we give babies. They see a dying man, unwilling to keep clothes on and transitioning to the next life. Without the emotional encumbrances that make families family, they can take on the tasks that, in those last days, become simply too emotionally draining for family to endure.

When the disruptions become too intense, ask for help. And resolve to work with the professionals, rather than scold them for not doing enough or not caring for a loved one as we would.

What your loved one needs is your presence. Sometimes that’s easier to give when you’re not doing the heavy caregiving yourself.

Kari Berit is a radio show host, speaker and the author of “The Unexpected Caregiver: How Boomers Can Keep Mom & Dad Active, Safe and Independent.” Follow her on Facebook!

Video: “The Unexpected Caregiver” Interview with Kari Berit

As we reported last week, we are hosting a lecture with author Kari Berit titled “The Unexpected Caregiver: How to Keep Mom Active, Safe, and Independent” on May 8th at the MJCC. Call 503.535.4422 to reserve your seat. We hope you can join us!

Until then, watch this interview with Kari on Fox 9 News – KMSP Minneapolist/St.Paul (more of Kari’s videos are on her YouTube channel).

Save the Date: “The Unexpected Caregiver” Lecture at MJCC, May 8th

Join us at the Mittleman Jewish Community Center on Tuesday, May 8th, for Kari Berit’s lecture, “Unexpected Caregiver: How to Keep Mom and Dad Active, Safe, and Independent.”

About Kari Berit

Kari Berit provides age-assertive strategies for dealing with issues facing seniors and their adult children. As speaker, coach, and consultant she works to create solutions-oriented environments for planning and managing activities that enhance the health of seniors. She has 18 years of experience designing and teaching programs for older adults, and 13 years of experience as a resident manager, dementia care specialist, and activity and housing director for senior housing communities.

In her book “The Unexpected Caregiver” Kari outlines a wide range of simple, practical, and activity-oriented tactics to keep senior parents active, safe, and independent.

• Kari’s website

Event Details

• Tuesday, May 8th at 7 pm
• Mittleman Jewish Community Health Center, 6651 SW Capitol Highway, Portland, OR [map]
• Refreshments provided
• Info: 503.535.4422